DBSM (Dorky B*tchy Stage Mom)

Holy Crap. I truly never knew that you could be a b*tch and a dork all at the same time. I'm guessing (hoping) actually that this mutation of a “b*tchy girl” is very rare and I just happened to have a run in with one of them who lives in my 'burb.
G-d I hope so, because I believe that this is truly the worst kind of b*tchy girl around. A total complete dork who thinks that they have what it takes to be a true b*tch. No, maybe what it is, is that their dorkiness has caused such rage within themselves that they have just turned mean, nasty, and jealous, and need to find a way to live through the other people around them. Yeah...let's go with that!

My kid decides to try out for her school talent show. Good for her, I'm proud of her self-confidence, blah, blah, blah. She's going to do a song and dance with her friend from school. They practice one time at my house, I think what they did was cute, and they decide that they'll figure out later when they're going to practice again. Not exactly how it works I guess, because a few days later she gets a phone call from her friend asking if she can practice and I tell her no because she has a lot of homework. Holy sh*t, I guess that was the wrong answer because about 30 seconds after the kids hung up the phone rang again. I'm like fricking seriously, get the phone, it's your friend again. No it was NOT the kid, it was her f*cking MOTHER calling me!!! Let me veer off course for a minute and say that this chick obviously doesn't know me AT ALL, because if she did, she would realize one of two things: either a.) that she'd get nowhere with me by trying to “pressure” me and it would only turn me b*tchier or b.) that I would make complete and utter sh*t out of her the second we hung up the phone, and never, I mean never, would she be able to lose her dorky stage mom status in my mind. I mean seriously, WTF, this is a kids SCHOOL TALENT SHOW for f*cks sake!!!!! So I tell her, in my bitchiest voice, the truth, (which is actually kind of dorky but we all need to make sure our kids do their homework. I mean my daughter can sing and dance just fine, but I don't think the Hollywood scouts are coming to watch her perform at her school talent show, and she kinda needs something to fall back on in case her dreams of stardom and fame don't exactly work out). I say, “My kid needs to finish her homework, and she has a lot, so she's not gonna be able to practice today.” Does it end here, no of course not because I am dealing with B*tchy Dork Stage Mom Extraordinaire (BDSME)! She says, “I don't know how much you know about the talent show, but they don't pick many acts to be in it and the kids really need to practice!” ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? Long story short, I say they can practice another time this week...she says fine, we set up two times for them and I'm d-o-n-e!!!

Apparently, she is not. The next week the tryout is on Tuesday. On Monday my kid comes home from school and says her friend wants to practice. I say, “Sorry, you have a dentist appt., homework, and we're going to a b-day party for dinner. You have no time.” My daughter, being the ultimate BIT, is like cool, fine, whatever, it's just a talent show. OMG she rocks! So we go into the dentist, come out, check our phones, and not only has the friend called my daughter's phone but she called my phone too. The KID called me!!!! Holy sh*t! Have you ever? Balls, much? She totally left a message too: “Hiiiii this is (her name) and I really, really, really think we need to practice, cuz like the tryout is like tomorrow or something...okay, at that point I hit delete and said, “honey, you need to call your friend.”

She calls her and tells her she can't practice and the kid has the f*cking nerve to tell my kid that she's gonna do the tryout alone! ALONE. OMFG, my poor kid is looking at me in the rearview mirror mouthing “what do I do?” Clearly I realize the BDSME is telling her kid what to say and obviously sitting right there coaching her. I advise my daughter to tell her it's not fair, etc. She tells her this, plus the fact that she would have done something else if she knew she was gonna bail on her, it's not like they're trying out for America's Got Talent or something, and if they don't make it there is always next year (her words, I swear)! Well a couple of phone calls later my kid is still going to audition for the show with her friend, and all is fine. Until....I go to pick her up from her audition. “How'd you do?” I ask her. “I think we did good,” she said. Then she says, “When my friend called her mom to get picked up, her mom asked her, “so, did (my kid) know her part?” Seriously, f'n b*tch!

Enjoy b*tches, I'll let you know when her kid hits it big on Broadway....hahahahahahaha!!!!